When I became sick the second time around I felt so lonely, no matter how many people are around you the way illness affects you mentally and physically you just can’t explain it. Losing control of your body being unable to control the pain your in and the hurt you feel sucks ass and can be a massive head do. Luckily for me I just wanted to be well and all the other stuff I felt I just tucked away ready to think about some time in the future.
So many other health issues affected me when I was going through the worst stage of my illness. From gall gravel to having a heart line and being fed TPN never physically eating food. My stay in hospital was a long one with surgical investigations and all the other stuff, besides all of that I did feel alone. Even though I felt this way I always looked forward to seeing my brothers Simon and Scott they always tried to visit me when they could.
I remember their visits the most, Simon always came to visit me on his way home from work always dressed in his work clothes & builder boots. Scott always came to visit me wearing his skater clothes, they both always made me laugh and smile. I will always be grateful to them both for making that effort to see me.
I could never sleep at night and was always wide awake, there were two particularly special nurses who made time to sit with me and one of the nurses would always buy me a can of Fanta I will always remember them they definitely made the nights go faster.
I listened to music during the day usually hospital radio, a volunteer would come around to the ward with a Walkman you could loan you could also loan tapes too. I borrowed a tape and listened to it over and over, the TPN line was due to be replaced during this time. Something went wrong that day they couldn’t get it into my body so surgery was planned the next day.
All night prior to that procedure my chest hurt, I was coughing I felt like breathing was hard. I went down for the procedure. When I woke up there were nurses and doctors around me I didn’t have a TPN line in instead I had a tube in my left side. My lung had been punctured the day before so I basically had a machine and tube attached to me to pump up my lung.
I remember this being the worst pain I ever felt, I cried everyday I couldn’t sleep. Chi Mai was the music that reminds me of this time and for years whenever I heard that music it brought tears to my eyes. Recently I heard that music again I had tears in my eyes and I looked at my husband and he was smiling back at me with love.
That scar on my body is the one I hate the most when I see it I remember how sad I felt but that feeling has almost gone now. The two happiest days in my life are the day I held my baby girl in my arms and knew I would always protect her always be there for her and never ever let her feel alone and the day I married my husband and knew that I would never be alone.
This site has been a fantastic therapy for me and I hope you have gained some help, inspiration and relief from reading this, you can feel alone but you are stronger than you think. You can beat this crappy feeling, you can fight this illness, you can fight back. Have that attitude, so like me, you will know that it’s okay to not be okay but you will be. I have decided to accentuate that scar with a tattoo and incorporate it with my gastrostomy scar and turn it into a thing of beauty, because I’m proud of myself proud and happy that I fought back. I’ve got my rock and roll scars and they make me Lisa😋